My brain feels like it is going to explode with all the thoughts and thinking that is going on up there but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with any of it. Too much stuff to try and sort out but it all needs to be sorted out in order to move on.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who deals with or has dealt with this notion and feeling like you make progress...a small amount of progress and realize that you haven't really made any progress and in fact, you've taken 5 steps back. It's not fun...feeling like you're defeated before you get a chance to try. I know this is all vague so let me get specific.
I have dealt with self esteem issues for at least as long as I have been married (that's when I knew what the issues actually were. Nothing like a life changing event like marriage to shake things up for ya!). As I reflect and look back on my life, I now realize that even as a kid, I had self esteem issues, just didn't know what they were. There's really no point in trying to place blame; the fact of the matter is that I don't see myself as being someone that anyone would want to be friends with, let allow marry. I've always been a secluded individual. Rarely did I have childhood friends come knocking on my door to ask if I could come out to play and if they did, it was at the urging of their mother who thought everyone should be included. Move that same idea into the world of adults, except that now we make our own decisions who we ask to "come out and play". And still, it is a rare occasion. Don't get me wrong; I participate in group events when I'm able to due to my work schedule but outside of that, it's just me and the crickets.
I have heard many preachers/teachers talk about this very issue but they call it an identity issue. They say that if we form our identity of ourselves based on what God says that we would see ourselves differently. Ya know, I do agree with that. I have watched and see many in my house group community who believe this idea and it does change them. My problem is that I can't get the notion to stick. I don't look at myself in the mirror for any length of time because I truly don't see what others say they see in me. My husband tells me all the time I'm beautiful but all I see is a passably attractive person. These same teachers and preachers say that we were made in God's image so we can't be horrible. I can believe that for a day, maybe two but it just never sticks. Turns out, when you don't see yourself the way God sees you, people find you draining and don't want to be around you.
"Keep trying, keep trying"...that's all I ever hear anymore and I'm tired of it. If there was one time that a magic formula would work, now would be the time. I know in my heart that what I believe about myself can't really be true and that life could really be as miserable as it seems right now. I see the people in my house group community experiencing all kinds of stuff but it feels so separate; they can have that, you can't.
I can't keep living my life the way I have been living it; sad, ungrateful, thankless, joyless and lonely. As much as I am tired of hearing the mantra "keep trying", I have to do just that...keep trying. Eventually, there should be a breakthrough; eventually, the switch will flip and it shouldn't be a struggle anymore. Just wish that day would come sooner rather than later.
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