The Struggle: A Confession

Ever found yourself watching other people's experiences and wonder about your own?

I have found myself in that place for some time now. I am part of a small house group that consists of many individuals who are confident and solid in what they believe and who they believe they are in God. Of late, several of these individuals have been spending time together (sometimes in remote places) praying, seeking, worshiping God for the simple sake of praying, seeking and worshiping. I guess I feel less than adequate to be in their company because that idea of spending hours seeking, praying and worshiping is less than exciting to me; it's not something I chase after. I don't look for those opportunities to spend hours and hours in worship and prayer. It's just not my bag, baby. 

What does that mean? Does it simply mean I'm a different body part, so to speak? Does it mean that God created them each with their unique gifts and me with mine? Is it just that simple? Different expressions and preferences, same result? Don't get me wrong; I believe worship and prayer are vital components to any believer's walk with God (how do you get to know someone if you don't spend time with them?) but I also feel like I have no relationship with my fellow house groupers and I feel like I have no relationship with them simply based on the "method" of knowing God. 

I work a lot and I work shift work but I do have times available, limited though they may be. I'm a pretty practical person and don't enjoy feeling like my time is being wasted (it feels like that for me when I'm in meetings where the worship time goes on for a really long time or prayer times where it seems like the same things are getting repeated and repeated again). I guess I figure that God relates to each of us individually and in our own unique way but I feel pressured or inadequate when I'm done worshiping and ready to move on to the next thing and everyone else around me is not...and seems far from being done. I guess I feel like I must be missing something; why am I the only one who's done? What did I miss? Why can I not force myself to stay in a place of worship or seeking? I don't want to fake anything and I do try to stay in that place but at some point it begins to feel like a chore. I don't speak or pray in tongues so I don't have that; I don't really want to start into praying ridiculous prayers like "Bless my neighbours and their children and help them find your love" (I don't really know my neighbours and I would rather be specific in my prayers for people I know). 

So the dilemma that I'm left with is having relationship with the people in my group and attending meetings and gatherings that I'm not a fan of or just not having relationship with the people in my group. For the most part, outside of the weekly meetings we have for house group, I don't have relationship with them....and it disappoints me. 

I haven't been fully honest though. All of my house group people spend a lot of time outside of house group with God; seeking, worshiping, praying. I struggle with that... a lot. I struggle with my identity in God, I struggle with feeling adequate and less than the people in my group, I struggle with feeling that I have nothing to bring because I have nothing to bring. I struggle with spending time with God so I'm empty, most of the time, and I drain my friends. They would never say that to me but I realize now I do. They extend grace to me...lots of grace. So really the issue isn't even so much the place or the how or the length of time they spend with God...they simply spend time with God. 

The solution: spend time with God...plain and simple. I have learned that the time I spend with God doesn't have to be a precise and formal activity. It can be going for a walk or listening to some worship music or reading a spiritual book. I have learned that God is good all the time and just wants to spend time with me because I'm his kid. It's a concept that is new for me. The revelation of God being good all the time is new for me but that's a topic for another post. I am a different part of the greater spiritual body than most in my house group as most of them operate in similar gifts and most of them also have a very flexible schedule that allows them to go to meetings and gatherings that spend a lot of time worshiping and praying. I bring something to group that would be lacking and I'm beginning to be okay with that. We're a body of believers and we all play different roles. I'm pretty sure that's what God intended otherwise He would have made us all identical.